Opening Up.

It isn't easy for me to be telling you guys this but I've chosen to announce it publicly that I am doing YouTube full-time. 

I have logged in and out of blogger numerous times during the past few months. I didn't know when was the right time to say it out but I knew I had to do it soon. I felt slightly better just typing these few sentences. A mixture of feelings, a sense of relief, anxious and a little clueless. Or perhaps a feeling that is indescribable. 

It is definitely a big risk that I'm taking at this point in life. Being at my age, it's THE TIME where you either graduate from university or about to get a promotion in your job. I have friends around me who are either graduating, doing well in their job and some even got married and started a family. Then I looked at myself and asked "So which phase am I in now?" 

When J handed me her wedding invitation recently, I questioned myself again. People got their shit together and look at me... I'm just in a total mess? Of course I'm really happy for her but it was a reality check for me all over again. I felt so unaccomplished, so inferior to everyone who got their shit together. 

Doing YouTube is not easy, taking a risk is never a walk in the park. Every single day or rather every single second that I have alone, I question myself "Am I gonna succeed? Should I continue my studies or look for a 9-6 job?" I have to answer to my parents and they have to answer to people too. It worries them. But sometimes they forget that I'm the one taking this route and what I'm experiencing and feeling everyday is at least twice as bad compared to them. 

People have told me that they are proud of me and commented that I was very brave to go to Seoul. But.. that was about a year ago. A FREAKING YEAR. So... what's next? Everyone has been asking me that and I do mean EVERYONE. It stresses me out a lot, worries me a whole lot more. YouTube is what's next.

Some of you may have viewed my videos and they are normally 3-4 minutes long. But what goes behind every single video is a whole lot more. And I do mean A WHOLE LOT MORE. 

Let me share with you guys what I do before you see the whole video:

- I watch a teaser of the music video, I take note of their outfits and try to get SIMILAR outfits. (Yes, every single outfit you see in my videos, they are mostly newly purchased.)

- I memorize the lyrics of the song when the song is release. (My korean language is not so awesome as what some of you may think so I need time to understand and memorize it.)

- I watch the music video over and over again while trying to pick up some of the dance movements. 

- I give myself a crash dance course every time a K-Pop group/singer makes a comeback. I watch their live performances like a few hundred times within 1-2 days. (No, I am not kidding.) I need at least 2 live performances to learn the whole dance. The artistes usually promote their songs from Thurs-Sun every week starting from M Countdown. 

- After having 2 live performances to learn from, I tell myself that by hook or by crook, a video HAS TO BE OUT THE NEXT DAY. No second chances. 

- On the day of filming, I can honestly say I do not know the dance 100% well, it's usually at least 65%. This is why I take a LONG time filming everything. It takes me the WHOLE DAY to get everything done. I eat 1 meal on the day itself, mainly brunch or breakfast and survive the rest of the day on water. 

- When I'm done and satisfied with all the chosen takes, I do some simple editing. By then, it should be past midnight. (Do note that I'm sweaty and sticky, still having a full face make-up on, tired as hell and famished.) 

- Video rendering takes at least an hour, so in the meantime I take my shower and find some biscuits or whatever I can find in the kitchen just to fill a portion of my stomach.

- When the video is done, I upload it to YouTube which takes 5-20 minutes. I fill up some details and edit a little more. I watch the video a few times to ensure everything is fine before making it public. Time check, it's at least 2am. 

The latest I went to bed was 5am. No kidding. That was EXO's "Overdose". This is why you guys will see my fb updated at an unearthly timing.

The next day, I wake up feeling very happy because I have a flat stomach. Yes, I do lose weight. I could lose up to a kilo. Water loss.

Not to worry, I always reward myself with a lot of food and hydrate myself :) And I do laze around in the house for the rest of the day because my whole body aches like crazy. Before I know it, it's time for bed. And yeah if you're wondering whether I gain back that kilo, I do, I always do. (I think.)

And the whole cycle starts again. (It's a 1 woman show, I do everything myself.)

So you see, it's not that easy as what people may think. A lot of hard work, determination, time, sweat and sometimes tears go into a video when you spend a few minutes watching it. 

Doing YouTube is extremely mentally draining. It drains me out so much that I feel like giving up. Seeing my number of subscribers increasing, really nice and touching comments on my videos just increase my strength back to 100%. It makes it all worth it in the end you know. I tear when people leave very touching comments on my videos. Sometimes such small little gestures make my day. It puts a smile on my face whenever I'm feeling really down. I say "thank you" in my heart whenever someone subscribes to me, comment on my video or follow me on my other social media sites. 

It isn't easy to tell people face to face that I am doing YouTube. It took me a lot of courage to say it. I'm always constantly worried about how people would judge me. And being in Singapore where academic is everything just pushes me back deeper into my hole. I don't know if I will succeed, I really don't. 

But one thing's for sure that when I'm old, I don't want to look back and feeling so regretful not trying and not taking any risks in my life. I don't want to live with regrets. If you asked me how I felt working 2 years in an office, it felt like 20 years. I felt so down, so demoralized and I hated every single minute of it. It was an obvious mismatch. This is why I'm willing to take risks.

I don't know how many of my friends are supporting this idea of mine or how many are looking down on me. My parents are not very supportive of this path that I've chosen and I can totally understand where they're coming from. Sometimes all I need is support and encouragement from the people around me. But I know I am not alone on this journey because I have God. 

That's it for this entry.

If any of you would like to find out more about Korea or feel like having a talk over coffee, I'll be more than willing to. Warning: I expect at least a cup of coffee :)